In the interests of Spreadin' The Word To Cash-carryin' Outlanders and Other Furriners, the Hillbilly Council hereby and hereunto invites them Other People to tailgate at Mountaineer Field on Official Football Game Days. Completed Official Application is required.
So ya think ya got what it takes to be a real Honorary Hillbilly? Been readin' up on the Hillbilly adventures and just gotta try it out? Well, here's yer chance. We ain't gonna make no guarantee or nothin' like that, but we'll give ya a shot at it. You gotta know, though, that this is just the first step. It takes a while to really get up there in the ranks of the Official Hillbillies.
The first thing ya gotta do is go on yer first trip to Mountaineer Field. Everyone who goes is classified as Fresh Meat on their first trip. There ain't no tellin' how a body will do, or even if they would want to come back afer jest one trip - so's they're just Fresh Meat for the grinder sometimes.
If ya decide ya want to come back for more, congratulations! Yer now an Honorary Hillbilly In Training. This only lasts fer the one trip, to see if you can adapt past the Fresh Meat stage and become a productive member of the Honorary Hillbilly community.
After the first two stages, yer now a full-fledged Probationary Honorary Hillbilly. Now this can last a while, 'cause it takes time to really pass the true test as to whether you're ready to be a full Honorary Hillbilly. In fact, there's only one furriner (that's somebody that was borned outside of West ByGod Virginia) that's managed to become a full Hillbilly - and it took him close on seventeen years of livin' here and two marriages to Hillbilly Women to do it. But don't worry! Maybe you can make the grade too!
Be advised though that you won't hear back in ten minutes. We gotta think about this! If ya got a good sponsoring Official Hillbilly, then maybe you can make the next trip. If you ain't got a sponsor, then the Senior Hillbilly Council has to get together on Blue Gate during the next trip and go over yer stuff. Ya gotta be patient - after all, bein' a real Honorary Hillbilly is worth waitin' for, ain't it?
Give us yer name:
Give us yer address or some way ta get ahold of ya - note that if you don't pull yer end of the strang tight, we ain't gonna be able to reach you.
If ya got an Official Hillbilly as a sponsor, tell us who it is:
Chainsaw, Mad Dog, Puppy, Wildman, Prissy (fer the womans,) Dead Man, Moron, Pharmboy, Doc, Sleepy, Uncle Hooter
Type of 4 Wheel Drive You Own:
Yuppie Rice Rocket
If you ain't got a 4 wheel drive, give the length of yer tow rope:
longer than 20'
What is yer favorite drink:
That Yuppie Wine Crap
Are yer allergic to eatin' any of the followin':
Stuff You Cain't See in the Dark
What kinda entertainment will you provide as an Honorary Hillbilly:
Staggerin' Down Drunk
Lost in the Hills
Wrecked my Truck
Let Mad Dog Test Drive My Truck
Do ya sound like a bear when you snore?:
Will yer Old Lady come after you with a gun for hangin' out at the tail gate
with the Hillbillies?
Will yer Old Lady come after US with a gun if you hang out with the
Tell us the kinda toys you will bring to the tail gate to share:
Other Kind Of Drinks
Tell us, in a few lines or so, why you want to be a Honorary Tail-gate Attendin' Hillbilly:
By submitting this application I agree to the follerin': I'll foller all the Hillbilly Rules as set down by the Senior Hillbilly Council.
I won't tell no outlander women folk where the tail gate is and spoil our spot.
If accepted, I won't go around sneakin' beer outta everybody's cooler.
I'll uphold all the Hillbilly Customs, Traditions, Rituals, and Ways to my dyin' day.
There ain't no way that I'll hold anybody but me responsible for what happens at the tail gate or inside them friendly environs of Mountaineer Field, so help me Stonewall Jackson.